the sunlight paints us gold

stolen from forevernergirl

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 19:37:34 GMT

NINE people I enjoy the company of (in no specific order):
-- GORDON
-- Robin
-- Belle
-- Ashley
-- Tucker
-- Nick L.
-- Steve
-- Officer Semprini (yes, he's a 50 year old cop and he is HOT)
-- Ollie

EIGHT things im wearing:
-- Abercrombie Jeans
-- Yellow Polo
-- Pink Polo Sweater
-- Tanktop
-- Underwear
-- Bra
-- Pearls
-- JCrew Loafers

SEVEN things on my mind:
-- Gordon
-- School
-- Belle
-- Tomorrows outfit
-- When my bag is coming in the mail
-- How good my hair smells

SIX items I touch everyday:
-- Cell
-- Computer
-- Gordon if you count him an "item" if not, toothbrush
-- Bed
-- Remote Control for my TV
-- Shower

FIVE things I do everyday:
-- Talk to Gordon
-- Think about how bad I want to go shopping
-- Wash my face
-- Shower
-- Go Online

FOUR things I want to do before I die:
-- Get Married
-- Go on a ridiculous shopping spree and spent as much money as I'd like to
-- Have two children
-- Get straight A's on a report card (yeah righttt)

THREE things I think when I wake up:
-- "I wonder what Gordon's doing"
-- "What color bow should I wear in my hair today?"
-- "I'm hungry"

TW0 of my favorite foods :
-- Cheesy Bread from Dominos, YESSSS
-- Chicken

ONE person I love more than any other:
-- Robin and Charlie, regardless. Even though I strongly dislike Charlie, it's unconditional.

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 19:11:47 GMT

today was SUCH a ridiculously boring day. nothing worth writing about. except of course gordon. things are going so well with him. i couldn't love being around him anymore than i do now. he's so wonderful. and one of the sweetest people in the world. he called last night to tell me that he hopes i know how much he likes me, and how much he loves being with me. but, anyways, belle's dad is in the hospital. he has to get surgery on his stomach or something. she lives in massachusetts now so i only get to see her on weekends. except she's not going to school tomorrow which meannnsss i get to see her tonight =)

boring, boring entries.

love, or something ignites in my veins, and i pray it never fades...

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 13:35:12 GMT

my life is so boring, haha. i'm not sure how any of you ever enjoy reading my journal, but i feel obligated to post regardless of how dull i am.

yep. just woke up. supposed to hang out with gordon today but i'm too lazy to. i don't feel like getting dressed and hair and makeup and all that. so unless he wants to hang out with me looking really haggard and watch me do my homework, then we won't be hanging out today.my parents come home in a few hours. yeah....

i ended up ordering the handbag instead of the scarf. because i figured i needed a fall handbag first, because it's not cold enough for the scarf yet. but in 2 weeks, the burberry scarf and jcrew peacoat will be miiine, and i will love them both so dearly.

i'm really in the mood to watch cruel intentions. and i wonder when the notebook comes out on dvd.

this whole entry is just so random and useless.

by the way- what the hell kind of face is that for lazy? that makes no sense.

the closest thing to perfect in a hollywood to burn...

Sun, 10 Oct 2004 17:54:46 GMT

ok well here's my weekend so far

thursday// i went shopping for ribbon. got 9 spools. yeah, that's all i did.

friday// went downtown with robin, tucker, gordon, and like 10 other people. we went from 6 at night til 1 in the morning. me and robin fought with tucker and gordon a lot cause they were paying more attention to their friends. but then everything was fine at the very end. robin slept over.

saturday// had robin, belle, tucker, gordon, ben, and joel over for awhile. robin and i cooked a lot, we just hung out and watched tv. nothing that great. belle slept over.

today// belles here for the day. i don't think i'm seeing gordon today though, but i might. i think i'm seeing him tomorrow.

damn i'm boring.

there's beauty in the breakdown

Fri, 08 Oct 2004 15:47:02 GMT

anna street handbag for fall/winter or a burberry scarf?

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 20:48:52 GMT

why does no one comment when i update anymore?

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 13:01:36 GMT

i woke up this morning and my cell phone light was flashing so i opened it up and it was a text message from gordon at 3 in the morning saying: hope you had fun..sorry i didnt get to talk to you but have a good night sleep later

=)
anyways, i went to the deerfield fair last night with robin. it was pretty fun. mm yeah, got a turquoise ring. i don't really have much to say about it. today i think i'm going shopping and playing tennis with belle and then hanging out with gordon tonight mayyybe, i'm not sure though.

alright, this is the end of my pointless update. i have too many of these.

Fri, 01 Oct 2004 19:48:01 GMT

i met this boy gordon about a week ago. just read the conversation, it sums things up. haha.

gCURRY112: nothing much..,..what was wrong the other night?
gCURRY112: ur away message said you werent in a good mood
stevie3749: oh..nothing don't worry about it
stevie3749: yeaahhh. no biggy
gCURRY1123: no what is it?
stevie3749: nothingggg
gCURRY112: please....:-\
stevie3749: lol would you reaaally like me to get into it?
gCURRY112: yes
stevie3749: aright, well...
stevie3749: i wouldn't go so far as to say i liked you already but i just liked hanging out with you a lot and you were so nice and all that and i just sort of liked how things were going and i guess i shouldnt have let myself feel that way because you and sam like each other and i dont know this just happens to me alot..kind of a bummer but its not a big deal at all..so dont worry about it
gCURRY112: did sam tell you i liked her
stevie3749: no
gCURRY112: who did then?
stevie3749: i don't talk to sam
stevie3749: well no one but sam's profile..and your profile...
stevie3749: so it's just obvious i guessss
gCURRY112: can i tel you something
stevie3749: i was talking to amanda and i asked her if you liked sam she said yeah probably
stevie3749: yeah sure
gCURRY112: i once read this book called the 4 agreements and it teaches how to perfect your life into what you want...how 2 make you happy... and one of the agreements was not to make assumptions,because when you make assumptions you have a 50/50 chance of being right or wrong, and when you do make them it leaves you open to make mistakes and ruin things. what im trying to get at is that me and sam have a different thing, like i like her as a friend but ive known her for so long its different...it doesnt mean i like her like that though, because i really like hanging out and talking 2 you too
gCURRY112: i can pretty much garentee that what sam and i have is going no where right now
gCURRY112: u still there?
stevie3749: yeah, i understand what you meann... and like, it's ok if you do like her or whatever. i've only talked to her like once in my life but from what i've seen she's really nice, and that's cool if you have something for her... i don't know i just liked how things were so far...but it's okie doke :-)
stevie3749: yeah sorry! haha it takes me awhile to typee
stevie3749: actually no i type so fast.. like LIGHTNING GORDON!!! hahahaa
gCURRY112: its iight....and i dont like her like that
gCURRY112: hahaha
gCURRY112: i like you more like that than i do her
stevie3749: hhumm that makes me feel a little better... i was just bummed more or less about the fact that this shit always happens to me and its gay
stevie3749: haha woah i just like swore and got angry towards the end
gCURRY112: just dont worry about it, i love spending time with you and talking to you is always fun... i use to never come online and just talk 2 people... have you noticed how much more ive been online since you have IUM
gCURRY112: imed me*

so yeah, i'm pretty happy with that right now. i hope things go well. he wore the most adorable argyle sweater from banana republic the other day. =)

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 17:59:57 GMT

i'm thinking about getting a new pair of clogs soon.

what's everyones favorite brand of clogs? =)

I LOOOVE YOU ALL

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 23:40:32 GMT

I'M GOING TO SEE HOWIE DAY ON OCTOBER 14TH!!!!!

YAYYYYY

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 18:17:06 GMT

which shoes do you like better? or do you not like either?

sorry the pictures are so big haha

oh my life is goooodd, and the paaastt is in the past..

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 17:16:27 GMT

some more shit happened over the weekend with charlie. i just had a talk with cassie about how this is all getting ridiculous and huge and i could have caused all this drama and i just didn't cause it would have fucked things up for her. we pretty much just layed down the fact that we don't like each other but we're just accpeting that we're 2 people that won't get along. it's nothing more and nothing less. things are probably different with charlie but i just don't care anymore. i'll just ignore everything. i'm not going to deal with any of this anymoreeee.

don't tell me you might just let it go...

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 19:38:11 GMT

alright i think i worded my last update wrong and gave some of you the wrong idea. when charlie walked by me he didn't say "ew look" but i meant he gave me the "ew" look. like he walked by and gave me a dirty look. so just to clear that up cause i think i messed a few people up with that.

today during lunch i was walking out and charlie comes up to me and this is pretty much how things went:
CHARLIE: you need to keep your fucking mouth shut about me and cassie, seriously
ME: i haven't said anything, seriously. just give this shit up charlie this is getting ridiculous.
CHARLIE: you're right, it is. all you do is talk shit. constantly.
ME: i swear to god i did not talk shit but i don't even have the energy to fight this with you anymore so i'm just done, i don't care.
CHARLIE: i don't believe you. cassie told me you talked shit about me.
ME: cassie doesn't know anything.
CHARLIE: she doesn't lie like you
ME: whatever, i'm so tired of this. *walks away*

then during 4th period, my class went to the library, and guess who was there? charlie. cuute. i don't know what it was that made me do this but i walk over to his table and this is how THIS conversation went:
ME: can i talk to you?
CHARLIE: no
ME: please? just really quickly
CHARLIE: there's nothing to talk about
ME: yes there is, you know there is just let me talk to you
CHARLIE: ok fine, sit down
ME: i want to know what i supposedly "said about you"
CHARLIE: why? so you can make up some lie about how you didn't say it?
ME: yeah that's it. no, charlie, because i really didn't say anything and i want to know what i supposedly said cause it had to be creative for someone to make it up. you know i hate fighting with you.
CHARLIE: you talk shit about everyone to me, so why wouldn't you do it to me also? i'm so suprised i let myself blieve you all the other times this happened. you lie.
ME: i don't, charlie. honestly. i don't know what to tell you to make you believe me, but i really did not say anything about you, i swear on my fucking life.
CHARLIE: alright.. i'll talk to cassie about it..
ME: alright..then it's done for now.. *walks away*

guys, I am at a loss for words right now. i don't know why i did this, or what's going to happen. at all. when i tell you guys on here that i hate charlie, i really do hate him at that moment, so much. i always tell myself that he's just not worth it anymore, and then i can't stay away for more than like a day. what if it is always like this? god i wish i knew what would come out of this. or what to do.

i have a conversation saved on my computer of cassie saying she misses carson and she wants to try and make it work with him again but she's not going to cause of the seperate schools thing. i'm SO tempted to show charlie and be like YES YOUR GIRLFRIEND DOES LIE TO YOU, LOOK!! robin says i should, ashley says it will only cause more drama. hmmm not sure what i'm going to do about that one

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 18:57:28 GMT

abby guess what?! omgosh i went to american studies during lunch to ask for the work i had missed and the teacher was like oh, we have a new seating chart, so take a look. i didn't notice charlie anywhere on it and i asked where he sat and the teacher goes "OH, CHARLIE TRANSFERRED OUT OF THIS CLASS YESTERDAY."

yesssss. abby you have NO idea how relieved i was. i saw him in the hall though and he gave me the "ew look" and robin was like um did he really just do that? last i checked he wasn't like a bratty 13 year old girl. i'm like yeah i know. he acts ridiculous.

i'm thinking about doing some of my make up work outside but i'm not sure. i don't have much to say today, boring day. mmm yeah

i gave into the LJ trend..

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 21:14:37 GMT

ask me any three questions. no more, no less. i'll try to answer as honestly as i possibly can. then go and post this in your journal.

what is this? my 3rd time posting today? hmm..life..

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 17:33:18 GMT

i had to post this before i lose it all. i haven't been outside in 3 days and i just opened my window and noticed how warm and sunny it was out so i decided to go for a walk. i ended up walking for awhile and laying in the field and thinking. everything is one. every tree, every leaf, every blade of grass, every person. it all belongs to a group of something else, but it is one. we are all one. EVERYTHING has beauty in it. i always have these moments in time when i realize how beautiful life is. it never seems to last but when it happens, it's amazing. i can't help but wonder if that's what being truly happy is like. i love when it happens. i just stood there in the grass thinking. this is as perfect as life will get. everything is beautiful. everyone is so caught up in their daily life. their routine. i am the most caught up in routine than any person i know. just break it one day. honestly. don't go to class one day and just walk outside, go to a park and just lay there. you will feel amazing. you will notice how beautiful everything is.

i love you all.

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 16:43:22 GMT

i really think it would be best for me to forget everything. i wish so badly i had a fresh start right now. i want to go where no one knows me and just start everything over. no charlie, no depression, nothing. i want to smile and have a good time. i want to live.

i have become comfortably numb...

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 16:19:03 GMT

this is my 3rd day out of school, and i have to go back tomorrow. bummer. but at the same time, a 2 day school week isn't bad at all.

monday i was starting to get sick, but i was fine. i stayed home anyways. tuesday i was really sick, slept all day. and today i'm perfectly fine but after last nights incidents, i didn't really feel like going.

SO, charlie IMs me and this is how it went:
CHansen: i take back everything nice i've ever said to or about you. i hate you and hope your life gets too hard to handle- I HATE YOU.
CHansen: all you do is talk shit
stevie3749: fuck this... i'm not even going to try and explain how i don't talk shit cause it doesn't matter and it's not worth it...bye
CHansen: bye
CHansen: forever i hope
CHansen: please move or die or something

i had no idea what he was talking about. i have no idea what he even though i said about him and i don't care anymore. it's not worth it. i know that everything is completely over when i don't have the strength to even fight it anymore.

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 23:47:21 GMT

you can see my rib cages when i'm standing up straight.

i know i'm not fat but, when the hell did i get that skinny?

so ridiculously unhappy

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 21:34:10 GMT

my mom comes in and tells me i'm going to school tomorrow. i'm like are you joking me? i'm too weak to walk to the bathroom to take a piss how am i going to school? she's like i knew you were lying, you bitch, you just don't want to go to school.

are you kidding me right now? then she complains about how i tell her i'm hungry then i only eat like 3 bites of my food and that i need to make my own food if i plan on ever eating again cause she won't anymore.

she's cute.

no one else will have me like you do..

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 21:17:37 GMT

if you love me, you'll read this whole entry cause it is SO worth it.

school was boring friday.

i was in american studies sitting down and class has just barely started and charlie walked in cause he has that class and just stood in front of my desk staring at me.. so i'm like uhh hey he's like hey.. then he started walking but he just got to the side of my desk and stood there and just stared. so i'm thinking to myself...what the fuck is he doing? we're friends, but we haven't talked a lot lately. this is weird.

so takes my hand and puts a note in it and he's like... don't tell anyone but this, just read it. please. and i'm like alright.

so it says:
Stevie-
I'm sorry I've been such a dick. You've been my best friend, I never noticed. I didn't realize what you have to go through every day, even though you told me. I'm an asshole, please forgive me.
I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I promise you I'll help you in anyway I can. I'll always be here for you Stevie. I love you.
-Charlie

Call me if you ever need anything, or if you just want to talk.

alright. so after thinking i was over him for a day, i sit there in my seat shaking and trying not to cry. at the end of class we sat on 2 desks and stared at each other and said nothing until he was like.... you have big pupils.
weirdd..?

ashley came over saturday. we spent 2 hours talking about charlie and josh (her ex boyfriend) and it made me miss him so much more. it had been so long since i had touched charlie, or smelt him. he smells like his bedroom, and his arms are still as beautiful as they were before, even covered in cuts, and he still looks at me the same way he did over the summer.

now i'm sick. my body hurts. i don't think i'll be going to school tomorrow.

"i faintly remember
breathing on your bedroom floor
where i laid and told you
but you swore you loved me more" -Boxcar Racer

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 00:37:54 GMT

off LJ for the weekend.

don't think i'm ignoring you all. <3

no, you can't stay mad at the setting sun...

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 19:30:35 GMT

15 minutes late to school. i'm glad though beacuse it took some time out of english class.

took aderol at lunch and definitely couldn't sit still the rest of the day. made school way more fun though.

why don't i ever have anything to say anymore? hmm
i'm sorry rach, this is the best i could do. =(

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 20:01:39 GMT

english// boring today. have to go make up a quiz i missed during lunch tomorrow.

spanish// it was alright today cause it was easy. quiz tomorrow and it should be really easy.

art// boring.

american studies// test today. got a 44. yayyuuhh. derek was high on shrooms. charlie's birthday was today. he was crying for like 45 minutes and wouldn't tell anyone why. by the end of class he was laughing and having a good time.

i hated my outfit though. and my hair more than anything. it was so flat and boring and FJISLFJDSIJFISD. =(

going to get my live strong bracelet tonight.

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 16:16:19 GMT

after everything that's happened this really finally finished it off..

i'm online and charlie signs on and i ask why he isn't in school and he said he thinks he's going back to the hospital for awhile again